A.R.S.E.

What do we want
A CURE FOR TOURRETS
When do we want it
TWATS

lol

Haha nothing like a good chuckle early in the 'morn

Why did the toilet paper roll down the stairs?

To get to the bottom....

Why did the toilet paper buy a lotto ticket?

Because it was on a roll.


Farking terrible!

What did the tree say to the mountain?

Hey! Stop peaking at me!

What's Mary short for?

She's got no legs.

Kurt Cobain, Janis Joplin, Jim Morrison, Jimi Hendrix and now Amy Winehouse, all dead at the age of 27. Justin Bieber turns 27 in 2021.. patience, my friends.

Why did Princess Diana cross the road?

She wasn't wearing her seatbelt.

I thought this was the "short jokes" thread? back on topic....

I rear ended a midget with my car today. He got out and said "I am not happy". I replied, "well than which dwarf are you?"

14 Midgets walked in to a bar....

... and as if that even needs a punchline

enough with the jokes about short people... ffs... ya carn's! :P

How do you spot a blind man on a nudist beach?

Well, it's not hard...

3 men walk into a bar together - you would have thought at least one would have seen it......

Q)What is blonde,Brunette,Blonde,Brunette


A)A blonde doing cartwheels.

What is it with trainspotters? I counted 37 of the losers today.

If sex between three people is called a Threesome and sex between two people is called a Twosome...

Then why is Handsome a compliment?

There was an old lady ahead of me at the
cashpoint today. She turned round and
asked if I could check her balance for her.

So I pushed her over.

I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let's make this interesting'. So we stopped playing chess.

Big Kev wrote:There was an old lady ahead of me at the
cashpoint today. She turned round and
asked if I could check her balance for her.

So I pushed her over.

lol! How odd, I heard this yesterday from a mate of mine and was on my way to post it.

durbster wrote:I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let's make this interesting'. So we stopped playing chess.

Top 10 best jokes from this years Edinburgh Fringe
1) Nick Helm: "I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves."

2) Tim Vine: "Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels."

3) Hannibal Buress: "People say 'I'm taking it one day at a time'. You know what? So is everybody. That's how time works."

4) Tim Key: "Drive-Thru McDonalds was more expensive than I thought... once you've hired the car..."

5) Matt Kirshen: "I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let's make this interesting'. So we stopped playing chess."

6) Sarah Millican: "My mother told me, you don't have to put anything in your mouth you don't want to. Then she made me eat broccoli, which felt like double standards."

7) Alan Sharp: "I was in a band which we called The Prevention, because we hoped people would say we were better than The Cure."

8) Mark Watson: "Someone asked me recently - what would I rather give up, food or sex. Neither! I'm not falling for that one again, wife."

9) Andrew Lawrence: "I admire these phone hackers. I think they have a lot of patience. I can't even be bothered to check my OWN voicemails."

10) DeAnne Smith: "My friend died doing what he loved ... Heroin."

What do you call a purple Gorilla?

A grape Ape.

doug99 wrote:What do you call a purple Gorilla?

A grape Ape.

Ban 'im! BAN HIM!!!!

Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting paedo and other names at me just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50.


It completely spoilt our 10th anniversary.

On a related note:

I met a 14 year old girl on the internet. She was clever, funny, flirty and sexy, so I suggested we meet up. She turned out to be an undercover detective. How cool is that at her age?!